I was thinking back to the first time I felt invalidated and abandoned by my father. I was 2 or 3 years old and when my mom was at work, he would put the same movie on every night, Alice in Wonderland. He would leave me alone in the dark with the movie on and ignore me. I felt so cold and alone. I would lose myself in the movie—my imagination was my only salvation. Now, I feel like I need another person to witness me to feel like my existence is validated.

I feel so bad for that little girl. I’m crying my eyes out thinking about that cold, dark room with no love and no connection.

 I craved just one drop of affection like it was cold water and I was in the desert dying of thirst. But the truth is I am in an ocean of my own existence, and I don’t know how to drink it because my father and my abusers taught me that their approval bottle is the only water I can drink. 

Today I will treat myself gently and give that little girl the attention she deserves as her birthright for being human.

Plan for today

**TODAY’S INTENTION:** I am my own loving witness today. Every moment, I choose to see that little girl with the eyes she needed—gentle, proud, unconditionally present. I mother her with fierce tenderness.

**MANTRA (repeat every time I seek external validation):** I am enough exactly as I am. My existence matters. I don’t need to perform or prove anything. I am SEEN.

Repeat 10 times every morning for 7 days with my hand on my heart, feeling the same loving warmth that I feel when my partner looks at me with awe in his eyes or like when my cat purrs as I pet him. This will rewire my nervous system. I don’t need substances, external validation from men, attention, or approval for accomplishments. I’m proud of myself today and I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.